This imperfect girl…….

It seems so much of our lives is ruled by time or the lack thereof, and again time has sped from me as swiftly as an arrow.  Mindfulness sees me acknowledging that once again it has been a while since my last blog post as I find I have been again all consumed by what I have on my plate.  For me, immersion can often be a difficult place to navigate back from and maybe I just need to spend more time on that which is most important and less on the small insignificant stuff.  A day spent sitting around in my undies, relaxed and reading tweets from the Dali Lama could possibly be just what I need!

It would also be safe to say the previous week or so has been an absolute bastard. Something continues to eat at my very last strands of hope and because of this strange alchemy, the past weeks have been challenging. You will never understand how much something will affect and continue to affect you until the falsehoods and utter deceit of it all completely destroys you and your reputation.  And with that devastation comes terrible sorrow and despair.  An immense bruising of ones very spirit which sears its path so cleanly and deeply that you believe it to be a near impossibility to ever overcome.

This has also been an extremely difficult post to write but I have written it and I have written it from my very heart.  For some, it will not be an easy post to read either but I make no apologies for that.  There is no shame in what I have written but an indication I am writing what I need to say and I do not have to justify this action to anyone.

Given all this, the weather today is quite lovely.  The sky is impossibly blue and the winter sun warm so I am taking a moment or two just to appreciate the beauty of this small moment.  Along with scratching out the bones of this blog post I am also about to enjoy what I believe will be a very good coffee.  This coffee I have happily discovered, is not for the faint of heart and I swear I have sprouted 15 chest hairs just looking at it.  I like this quirky little off beat place too and although busy, it is often a sanctuary of sorts for me. Today though, due to the intensity and loud distraction of a conversation between two younger men seated not far from me, I am left to over-hear their exchange which is something I do not normally appreciate.

The subject of their conversation is the project they are both about to embark upon. Their plan is to each write a letter, however this is no ordinary letter as it is going to be written to their very younger selves.

Now I thought this an odd concept and I could not help but wonder what the advantage would be to you as an adult to document your thoughts to a much younger self.  Would the transcript proffer wisdom learnt or was it done to prepare or warn oneself of impending doom.  Could a letter save you the heartbreak of unrequited love or save you the embarrassment of a mullet which no doubt will take you almost 7 months to grow out……if in fact you choose to grow it out at all!  Prepared or not, could this letter just simply offer you an easier passage through the obstacles, complications and hurdles of life which we all must face.

I finished my coffee and as I stuffed my notebook into the back pocket of my jeans I started to think more about their project and I wondered what on earth I would write or say to my much younger self if given the opportunity.   I could probably tell her – ‘buy a bedazzler and the original Star Wars figures because a company called Ebay is coming’ or ‘on that sultry day in Bali when your gut instinct says – do not venture into the monkey forest – listen to it!   And perhaps with whimsy, I could even say – ‘there are a lot of difficult and complicated things ahead in your life but please don’t let love be one of them…….’

But what would I really say. What could be something of worth which I truly knew would guide her through the very difficult times ahead, and these times were certainly coming.  I still wasn’t sure there was anything much to offer but later, while watching the newly born seal pup at the break-wall and my heart warm with affection, I knew I would lay my soul bare and say this………

As much as I would like, I cannot sugar coat any of this for you:  

You are going to hurt and be hurt.  Read everything you can get your hands on and one day thank your Nana for the blessing of the time she took in teaching you to read.   You will be grateful, optimistic and kind.  You will be inquisitive and sensitive.   You are going to be a little different from everyone else and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.   

You will love the ocean with such a passion your heart will actually ache when you are not in it or near it.   You are and will be far braver and stronger than you will ever know.  You will have your heart broken.  Know your worth!

You will be painfully shy and some will mistake this for aloofness or as being impersonal or cold but that could not be further from the truth.  There really is a beautiful promise around every corner.  You will find your voice and passionately use it to defend those without one.  Your best friend (they purported) and someone whom you trusted will betray you in the worst possible way!   You will travel much and see and do amazing things in this wonderful world.  Never stop reading and never stop travelling.  Through the influence, unkindness and brutal weakness of others you will be ostracized at one stage later in your life by people you thought loved or cared for you –  understand this says far more about them than it does you.  They need to own their own shit so let them!  

Trust your intuition always for it will serve you well.  You will see and appreciate joy and beauty even in the most difficult of times.  You will be happy, almost obsessively private and you will harbor a will of titanium.   Say I love you, just damn well learn to say those words.  You will allow people to treat you like shit – god I wish you knew this and you knew even now not to let it happen! 

With the grace of years and refinement of wisdom you will come to understand and appreciate the lesson of forgiveness.   You will worry, you will stress but just don’t worry about the small stupid stuff you cannot change.  You will have two major battles in your life both of which you will overcome.   You will be perplexing.   Let go of the people who do not deserve you but do hang on to those who do.   You will not grow tall….….I am sorry to have to break that to you. 

Toward the end of January 2016 you will be at your absolute lowest point ever.   Alone, excluded, disparaged and pushed beyond your very limit you will put the barrel of a gun to your temple.  Even though you believe all hope has surely been lost to you do not pull the trigger.   There is far more courage in not doing so.   Do not allow them an easy way out and understand this – the ruthlessness inflicted by them and an organization does not define you or your life and it never will!   

Most importantly though, you are going to be okay.  I know you don’t actually believe that now living your life with your family in that odd weatherboard house in Queensland, but you really are going to be just fine little one.  So step away from all you were raised with and all you are told to believe is right.  Ignore it for you alone will figure it out and you will do just great.  I know you can’t even imagine making it to your mid fifties because that must seem like a million years and million miles away from here and plus you will do some pretty calamitous (although I like to refer to them as ‘adventurous’) things of which you probably should not have survived but you did so cherish and use this life wisely.   Be good but don’t just do good.   Do bloody amazing.

But the greatest thing you will come to understand is that there is nothing more important than your dignity, kindness, self-respect and compassion and the passing of time will always reveal who has it and who does not.  Stay true to yourself and stay true to your beliefs and values no matter what for you have a mighty big and amazing life ahead.  Love it!  Live it!

And in the end, even a bad day or a bad week is actually a very, very good one……….xx



24 thoughts on “This imperfect girl…….

  1. Hello Oceangirl,

    I’ve just read and reread your timely post. It’s set the mind a thinking about the same subject.

    Your blog revealed many hidden feelings and to express them in type is a brave achievement. While it shows the weaker underbelly for your opponents to attack, it also displays the tougher upper side that says, “don’t fuck with me”. For millennium the creatures of the sea have evolved ways to camouflage, protect themselves and to hunt and gather. Unfortunately us mere mortals have to long way to go before we reach that evolutionary level, but I believe your affinity with the sea gives you a head start.

    Emotional hurt is harder to bear than physical hurt. Unfortunately our inner soul does not have a hard upper body to ward off the hurt. Stand by your principles. Let a person’s words go in one ear and out the other. A lot they say is shit so metaphorically put a hand to the other ear to hold anything worth keeping, otherwise it goes thru to the keeper (dunny).

    Forget the above when it involves a physical action: Only apologise when you are in the wrong. Seek advice, help or opinion as necessary. Heed only what you want but be sure the speaker’s words are not to solely appease themselves. There is no such thing as compromise. Nobody “wins” with compromise.

    But the following principle is the one I live by and that is:

    **You do not have to forgive and you do not have to forget**

    Love Grasshopper

    On Fri, Jul 22, 2016 at 9:15 PM, oceangirl…….these are my stories wrote:

    > oceangirl63 posted: “It seems so much of our lives is ruled by time or the > lack thereof, and again time has sped away from me as swiftly as > an arrow. Mindfulness sees me acknowledging that once again it has been a > while since my last blog post as I find I have been again all” >

  2. Lonnie

    What can I possibly say. Your post was the most courageous and beautiful post I have ever read. Our beautiful son killed himself two years ago and we have not and will not ever forgive those who pushed him to do this. He too was pushed beyond his very limit and this kind and amazing and sensitive soul, destroyed by a lying company, took his life. How can I say thank you. How can I say how strong you are and how can I thank you for showing this is not an ‘illness’ (as they tried to say he had) but that it is evil bullying and nothing more than that. Your strength will fortify my husband and myself and our remaining children all devastated beyond anything anyone could ever comprehend or understand. With much love and admiration to you xxx

    1. Dear Lonnie. Thank you for your beautiful and heart wrenching comment. I am so truly sorry for your loss and I cannot even begin to comprehend what you and your family must be enduring. From reading your comment I believe you to be the brave one and no doubt it is your courage and strength which comforts your family. You have my greatest respect.

      I completely understand when you say your son did not have an ‘illness’. My actions were certainly not driven by ‘mental illness’ either but a series of events and actions which all led over many months to that moment. My thoughts are that the ‘company’ involved is only protecting its image by placing blame just as those involved are easing their guilt and culpability of wrongdoing by blaming the person who has been pushed to the brink. Bullying and intimidation really are one of the most cowardly of acts and it is so often perpetrated by those of great weakness and little morality!

      I know there is little I can say that will ever ease your burden and pain Lonnie but one day I hope you and your family regain living the life you all so very much deserve. Take care and I close with love to your and your family xx

      1. Lonnie

        Thank you so much for replying. It was so lovely and I did not expect it and even your reply is beautifully written. I do not know when our hearts will stop breaking but we are fighting for Aidden and we will continue to fight for him and we will not let them get away with this. When we read something like you wrote it makes us more fierce and determined so really thank you, thank you. Please take care, much love, Lonnie xxx

  3. Daveo

    Whoa! This just blew me away. It takes unbelievable COURAGE and GUTS to come out and say what you did. Bloody good on you. Stay brave and stay strong 💪💪Daveo

  4. Amanda xx

    My heart has just broken and it is sitting in my chest like a huge lump of lead. It is just aching for you because I know exactly what you have gone through and how terrible and soul destroying it is. My son killed himself and the days leading up to it for him were horrendous. The despair that you must have felt is heartbreaking and no one can ever understand that. We just didn’t know how bad it was for him….if only we did. All the “if only’s”. We miss him and will always miss him and we love him more than ever. His suffering and his death destroyed us as a family and we want him back but know that can’t happen . My marriage broke down and we are shattered and lost as a family. Lonnie will know this suffering too (I am so truly sorry for your loss Lonnie). Brave you for speaking out and how you wrote that piece was so beautiful. We need to stop this terrible slaughter and the only way to do it is to stop sticking our heads in the sand about it. 5 years feels like a million horrible years. Please believe in yourself always and trust your courage.

    1. Dear Amanda. Thank you for your beautiful message. I am so very very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Again, I just cannot comprehend what you and your family are going through and I cannot say enough how courageous you all are. Not only are you dealing with such a devastating loss you are also dealing with the continuing aftermath with such grace and humility and this shows in the beautiful empathy you have for others. Take great care and I close with love to you and your family xx

  5. Tony

    Shit! You always hear about guys and suicide and blowing their brains out but never a woman. I had no idea I always thought it was overdoses for you guys. So sorry so truly sorry you were pushed to that but you didn’t and we are all better off for that. Thanks for sharing your incredible story. Keep going girl. You are fucking amazing.

    1. Thank you for your great comment Tony. I guess due to the fact we are considered the gentler sex, it is probably expected of us to ‘stick our heads in a gas oven’ or ‘quietly overdose’ but that is not the case for all. For me, it was a combination of factors all coming together and I can honestly understand how people are pushed to take their own lives. Prior to the events which all led up to this moment I had thought that suicide was a selfish act. Now however, I absolutely understand that when you are driven to the absolute depths of despair you momentarily do not see any other solution. Thank you again, take care and have a great day…..x

  6. Adrienne

    Discovered your blog and it is love at first sight (and second and third which is the amount of times I have read this post). Sometimes something will come into our lives just at the right time and finding your blog was that moment for me. Your beautiful writing hurts to read but it is also humble and inspiring. Please keep putting your thoughts into words because when I read this I was finally able to exhale. I have found (for me) talking and having amazing support of beautiful family and friends gets me through the very difficult times. The loss of someone to suicide takes an incredible toll on those left behind (as you can see from what some people have written) but I can completely understand the limit one must finally reach to consider it. It is an absolute breaking point that no one will ever understand!

    It was so lovely when you apologised to your younger self when breaking the news that you would not grow taller but you forgot to tell her she grew strong and courageous. I am going to make a lovely cup of tea and sit in this glorious sun and read more of your blog.

    bravo to you oceangirl xoxo

    1. Thank you Adrienne for your lovely comment. It was so kind and you express your thoughts so beautifully. I acknowledge these cannot be easy times and I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to comprehend how you must feel but I am very glad you are surrounded by such a wonderful support network.

      Grief is such a difficult and unforgiving emotion and one which we have so little control over. Leaving your comment speaks volumes though of the courageous person you are and of the compassion you have for others. Take care Adrienne and have a beautiful week…..xx

  7. Just a note to thank you all for the beautiful, heart felt and very supportive comments you have posted. I acknowledge how very difficult life has been for some of you and how the pain of your loss must be a near impossibility to bear but your strength and care for others illustrates how truly courageous you are. Over the next few days, I will reply to each of you. Thank you once again x

    I have also received some lovely messages through private emails etc. and for that I acknowledge how very blessed I am. I do understand that what I wrote was a very difficult piece for some to read……thank you x

    ‘three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth’…….Buddha

  8. Benny

    This seriously just blew me away and I don’t want that to sound like a stupid pun. But it seriously just rocked me. So glad you hung in there. Live it girl 😊.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s