This imperfect girl…….

It seems so much of our lives is ruled by time or the lack thereof, and again time has sped from me as swiftly as an arrow.  Mindfulness sees me acknowledging that once again it has been a while since my last blog post as I find I have been again all consumed by what I have on my plate.  For me, immersion can often be a difficult place to navigate back from and maybe I just need to spend more time on that which is most important and less on the small insignificant stuff.  A day spent sitting around in my undies, relaxed and reading tweets from the Dali Lama could possibly be just what I need!

It would also be safe to say the previous week or so has been an absolute bastard. Something continues to eat at my very last strands of hope and because of this strange alchemy, the past weeks have been challenging. You will never understand how much something will affect and continue to affect you until the falsehoods and utter deceit of it all completely destroys you and your reputation.  And with that devastation comes terrible sorrow and despair.  An immense bruising of ones very spirit which sears its path so cleanly and deeply that you believe it to be a near impossibility to ever overcome.

This has also been an extremely difficult post to write but I have written it and I have written it from my very heart.  For some, it will not be an easy post to read either but I make no apologies for that.  There is no shame in what I have written but an indication I am writing what I need to say and I do not have to justify this action to anyone.

Given all this, the weather today is quite lovely.  The sky is impossibly blue and the winter sun warm so I am taking a moment or two just to appreciate the beauty of this small moment.  Along with scratching out the bones of this blog post I am also about to enjoy what I believe will be a very good coffee.  This coffee I have happily discovered, is not for the faint of heart and I swear I have sprouted 15 chest hairs just looking at it.  I like this quirky little off beat place too and although busy, it is often a sanctuary of sorts for me. Today though, due to the intensity and loud distraction of a conversation between two younger men seated not far from me, I am left to over-hear their exchange which is something I do not normally appreciate.

The subject of their conversation is the project they are both about to embark upon. Their plan is to each write a letter, however this is no ordinary letter as it is going to be written to their very younger selves.

Now I thought this an odd concept and I could not help but wonder what the advantage would be to you as an adult to document your thoughts to a much younger self.  Would the transcript proffer wisdom learnt or was it done to prepare or warn oneself of impending doom.  Could a letter save you the heartbreak of unrequited love or save you the embarrassment of a mullet which no doubt will take you almost 7 months to grow out……if in fact you choose to grow it out at all!  Prepared or not, could this letter just simply offer you an easier passage through the obstacles, complications and hurdles of life which we all must face.

I finished my coffee and as I stuffed my notebook into the back pocket of my jeans I started to think more about their project and I wondered what on earth I would write or say to my much younger self if given the opportunity.   I could probably tell her – ‘buy a bedazzler and the original Star Wars figures because a company called Ebay is coming’ or ‘on that sultry day in Bali when your gut instinct says – do not venture into the monkey forest – listen to it!   And perhaps with whimsy, I could even say – ‘there are a lot of difficult and complicated things ahead in your life but please don’t let love be one of them…….’

But what would I really say. What could be something of worth which I truly knew would guide her through the very difficult times ahead, and these times were certainly coming.  I still wasn’t sure there was anything much to offer but later, while watching the newly born seal pup at the break-wall and my heart warm with affection, I knew I would lay my soul bare and say this………

As much as I would like, I cannot sugar coat any of this for you:  

You are going to hurt and be hurt.  Read everything you can get your hands on and one day thank your Nana for the blessing of the time she took in teaching you to read.   You will be grateful, optimistic and kind.  You will be inquisitive and sensitive.   You are going to be a little different from everyone else and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.   

You will love the ocean with such a passion your heart will actually ache when you are not in it or near it.   You are and will be far braver and stronger than you will ever know.  You will have your heart broken.  Know your worth!

You will be painfully shy and some will mistake this for aloofness or as being impersonal or cold but that could not be further from the truth.  There really is a beautiful promise around every corner.  You will find your voice and passionately use it to defend those without one.  Your best friend (they purported) and someone whom you trusted will betray you in the worst possible way!   You will travel much and see and do amazing things in this wonderful world.  Never stop reading and never stop travelling.  Through the influence, unkindness and brutal weakness of others you will be ostracized at one stage later in your life by people you thought loved or cared for you –  understand this says far more about them than it does you.  They need to own their own shit so let them!  

Trust your intuition always for it will serve you well.  You will see and appreciate joy and beauty even in the most difficult of times.  You will be happy, almost obsessively private and you will harbor a will of titanium.   Say I love you, just damn well learn to say those words.  You will allow people to treat you like shit – god I wish you knew this and you knew even now not to let it happen! 

With the grace of years and refinement of wisdom you will come to understand and appreciate the lesson of forgiveness.   You will worry, you will stress but just don’t worry about the small stupid stuff you cannot change.  You will have two major battles in your life both of which you will overcome.   You will be perplexing.   Let go of the people who do not deserve you but do hang on to those who do.   You will not grow tall….….I am sorry to have to break that to you. 

Toward the end of January 2016 you will be at your absolute lowest point ever.   Alone, excluded, disparaged and pushed beyond your very limit you will put the barrel of a gun to your temple.  Even though you believe all hope has surely been lost to you do not pull the trigger.   There is far more courage in not doing so.   Do not allow them an easy way out and understand this – the ruthlessness inflicted by them and an organization does not define you or your life and it never will!   

Most importantly though, you are going to be okay.  I know you don’t actually believe that now living your life with your family in that odd weatherboard house in Queensland, but you really are going to be just fine little one.  So step away from all you were raised with and all you are told to believe is right.  Ignore it for you alone will figure it out and you will do just great.  I know you can’t even imagine making it to your mid fifties because that must seem like a million years and million miles away from here and plus you will do some pretty calamitous (although I like to refer to them as ‘adventurous’) things of which you probably should not have survived but you did so cherish and use this life wisely.   Be good but don’t just do good.   Do bloody amazing.

But the greatest thing you will come to understand is that there is nothing more important than your dignity, kindness, self-respect and compassion and the passing of time will always reveal who has it and who does not.  Stay true to yourself and stay true to your beliefs and values no matter what for you have a mighty big and amazing life ahead.  Love it!  Live it!

And in the end, even a bad day or a bad week is actually a very, very good one……….xx